Grumpy Bastards

If you don't like it, you know what you can do...
It is currently Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:35 am

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 104 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:58 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...


"SUPPLIES!!"

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:17 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
I asked my wife " Why do you never tell me when you have a orgasm?"

She replyed "Because i don't wont to call you when your at work!"


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:44 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
Q: what did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: how do you breath through that ?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:08 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:29 pm
Posts: 219
After landing myself in jail, I spent the next hour getting relentlessly bummed.


Sometimes I think my uncle takes Monopoly far too seriously...


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 8:22 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears!

I was terrified of cockroaches.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:34 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
Pete & Mary were walking home from the pub. Mary says i need a piss and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feelin' horny Pete puts his hand through the bush & feels something dangling between Marys legs. He jokes have you changed your sex? Mary says no, I've changed my mind I'm having a shit!!

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:36 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
Three women, one engaged, one a mistress and one married, decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras, stiletto heels and a leather face mask. The engaged women says
"My man leapt on me and we made love all night". The mistress adds
"Me too. We had wild uninhibited sex all night". The married woman sighs
"My husband came home, took one look at me and said
"Whats for fucking tea Batman?"

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:37 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
A Nazi concentration camp commandant calls an Englishman, Australian and Jew into his office and announces 'we are going to have a cricket match. You, Englishman, will captain the English team and you, Australian, will captain the Australian team'. 'Wots my part' says the Jew, 'you will be the ashes' :lol:

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 9:39 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
Muslim calls ITV & complains: "That 'Star Trek' - you've got black, white, asian, & even Clingons! But no Muslims?"

ITV replied: "That's because it's set in the fucking future !" :shock:

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Wed May 23, 2012 12:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
The inventor of the television remote control has died at the age of 96.

Have they tried turning his batteries round and smacking him against the coffee table?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Mon May 28, 2012 8:48 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:29 pm
Posts: 219
I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.

"How could you?!" she screamed. "How fucking could you?! You've fucked my sister you bastard!"

"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was lying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"

"The fucking autopsy," she cried. :lol:


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Wed Oct 10, 2012 8:31 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
I have just picked up the 50 shades of grey... Yorkshire edition, here's a little excerpt

After point blankly refusing to fork out for lube
He smeared her back doors in Margarine and began
masterfully heightening her pleasure
She screamed
' Eeee Ya tight fooka !
I cant believe its not butter!'


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 11:38 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:04 pm
Posts: 311
Location: Lincoln, England.
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong.

Especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike..! :lol:

_________________
My Website << Vent status here too :)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Jokes by Text
PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2016 4:20 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:03 pm
Posts: 144
I paid to have sex with a donkey last night. I feel absolutely disgusted now. Just after I finished I realised it was a male.

Turned out to be a He-Whore.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 104 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron

{ ASACP_CREDITS } Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group